This week I got a really interesting DM on Instagram. It read, ‘I’m so caught up with these crazy bitches… some message me and I talk to them normal right, and then they just, idk, a wire goes loose and they just stop talking’.
This person was coming to me for advice, and as the empathetic communications expert that I clearly am *cough* I couldn’t help but give them some masterful instruction on how to talk to girls online.
Here's a hot tip: calling girls crazy is, unsurprisingly, a one-way ticket to the dreaded seen receipt. You know, that little note at the bottom of instant messaging apps like Facebook’s Messenger, that likes to remind you that the person you’re interested in has seen what you’ve written to them, but they don't have the courtesy to reply to it. This prompts all sorts of anxiety-inducing obsessive behaviour such as:
‘What did I do?'
'Why doesn’t he/she/*insert other pronouns here* like me?'
'Did I say something wrong?’
Yeah, we’ve all been there.
Whilst I don’t consider myself a seasoned professional when it comes to online dating, if the past six months have taught me anything about conversing with possible ‘Netflix and Chill’ buddies online, it’s that the way you talk to girls is imperative if you want to ensure that you get more bang for your buck. So read ahead to learn how to woo your bae online:
Go into the conversation prepared
I’m going to use Tinder as my prime example here because let’s be honest, it’s the best dating app for people who aren’t desperate loners. If you’re single and under the age of 30 and don’t have Tinder, what are you really doing with your life? Match.com and E-Harmony can try to be hip all they want, but there’s nothing more exhilarating than judging someone on their physical appearance before judging them on their personality because that’s exactly how the real world works.
One of the hardest things about chatting online is the opener. I’ve had pick up lines that are so bad they’re almost good, and people who have opted for the most direct route (or should I say root) with the classic DTF. So romantic. Such wow. Most people like to comment on my superb boobs - I mean, let’s be honest here, they’re pretty great; or my eyebrows which are also on fleek, thank you very much. And then there’s the simple, ‘Hey what’s up,’ which just screams BORING to me.
So how do you come up with a great opener? Simple! Stop and take a good look at what information the person you’re trying to hit on has to offer for you. If they have a bio, do they have any information about their hobbies and interests? Do they list where they work or where they go to university? Look through their images, is there a nightclub/bar logo on any of their photos that you’re familiar with? Do they have a puppy in their photos?
‘Hey, who’s that cutie in that picture… no, no, I mean the puppy!’
Is there any information at all about this person that proves to you that they’re more than a 2D image on a screen that you’re holding in your hand? If not, they’re probably a bot.
Sometimes you’ll also get people who keep their profiles elusive on purpose. My bio is a carefully constructed 120 characters or less that reveals nothing about my interests or who I actually am as a person so that people will actually bother to ask me about what I do. Think outside the box and ask me something interesting. Start with an ultimatum or a game, or ask me whether I’m into something you’re really interested in. Don’t just ask me super general and vague questions that you could ask anyone. Personalise it. Likewise, if you are truly interested in someone, make it obvious. Insipid conversations are literally the worst.
If all else fails, just tell me I’m pretty and you’ll have my attention.
If you’re a boy trying to court a beautiful girl for the evening, try and think about everything you’re saying from her point of view. While online interactions that lead to IRL hangout time is fairly common in this social-media-overloaded-age, people -especially girls - are super cautious about who they choose to meet up with. While sexual assault and the threat of sexual assault are real issues to everyone, women are especially at risk when meeting people online. If you’re inviting someone to your house, or going over to someone else’s house, you’re putting yourself in an extremely vulnerable position and you damn well hope that you trust the other person somewhat beforehand. When I’m talking with boys online, I look out for the following tell-tale signs that they might not be as legitimate as they seem, and to be honest, most boys who show these signs probably don’t want to hurt me in any way, but it’s important to be at least a little cautious when your personal safety is concerned:
1. Guys who are pushy
We get it. You want sex. Chances are, if I’m on Tinder late at night, that’s exactly why I’m there too. Either that or I’m ridiculously bored and chatting to strange boys on the internet is more interesting than whatever I have going on in my life at that exact moment. Regardless, you don’t need to remind us every two messages about how horny you are… unless you’re engaging in some good old phone sex, then that’s acceptable. Coming on too strong can seem super overwhelming and can just totally send the wrong signal to a girl. The way to a girls heart is to take it slow enough that you seem interested in her other than an inanimate sex object, but fast enough so that all your needs are satisfied within a 24 hour period (or whenever it is that you want to get banged).
2. People who stalk me online... too much
Transparency online is important. If you have blurry photos, sunglasses on in all your pictures (srsly, some people have ugly eyes), or no information about yourself at all, I’m going to swipe left because I’m questioning your legitimacy. You should have enough information on your profile to say to people, ‘Hey, I’m real, let’s chat,’ but not too much that it tells your whole sob story about being bullied in middle school. That happened to most of us, move on already. I have a very strong online presence and naturally have my Instagram linked up to my Tinder profile. It is so easy to stalk me. Even my mobile number is listed online so that clients can get in touch with me. Once I had a guy from Tinder call me because he Googled me and found my website. That was kinda… creepy. Obviously, I’m happy for people to have my number as it’s free for all online, but that doesn’t mean that you randomly call me. Even if we have chatted a little online. Be polite, ask for my number first, even if you already know what it is, okay? Look me up on Facebook, make sure everything checks out and I am who I say I am and leave it at that.
3. People who use bad grammar and annoying abbreviations
This might be a personal thing, so holla at yo girl if you also feel the same way. People who cannot spell, have poor grammar, and say things like nm and l8er or anything reminiscent of the golden days of MSN will not receive a reply from me.
Talking this way tells me a few things:
a. If this person cannot be bothered giving me a proper reply, will they be bothered to do anything else properly for me in this ‘friendship’?
b. If they don’t know the difference between you’re and your, do I really want to risk the chance of procreating with them?
c. Will we actually be compatible on any level in person if our grammar levels are not on par?
Seriously, though, if boys come across as intelligent, polite and funny by text, they’re generally a keeper. Everyone else? Well they just get sorted into my folder that's titled, People who are weird and may potentially stalk me.
Final point: DON’T SEND DICK PICTURES UNLESS YOU ARE 1000000% SURE THE GIRL YOU’RE TALKING TO WANTS ONE
No one likes an unsolicited dick pic. I’ve been in public and received a little surprise or two in my Snapchat inbox and other people have seen it. It’s not embarrassing for me, it’s embarrassing for the poor guy who’s just flashed his junk to two old ladies, a priest, and my mother. But then again, if he’s sending a random girl a dick pic, he probably doesn’t care who sees it. 9/10 times a guy sends me a picture when I don’t want one, I laugh. Yes, that’s right, I make a mockery of your manhood. And I’ll probably send a photo back with a thumbs up sign exclaiming how horny that made me. And if you can’t tell when I’m being sarcastic, we will never, ever, EVER be good together. Here is a secret: girls don’t get turned on by your dipstick like you get turned on by our hooters. Okay? Don’t send nudes unless it’s mutual. K thanks bye.
Of course, my tips are not fool proof, but if you’re doing all of these things and a girl still isn’t replying to you, then she probably doesn’t think you’re worth her time. And if someone doesn’t think that the sun literally shines out your ass, you probably shouldn’t be wasting your time with them either, because you’re awesome. Or at least, that's what I tell myself everyday.
As always, if you think I've missed any key points regarding flirting with females online, please leave your ideas in the comments below. This comment section is unmoderated, so go wild! If I remain motivated enough, I might turn this into a little series. Just call me Carrie Bradshaw and sign me up for six seasons and a movie.
Also, thanks to Charlie for helping me come up with the title to this article. I've promised him a dedication in the forward to my forthcoming memoir, but I feel like this shoutout suffices for now.